Animals

I thought I'd be nice and so took la dog on a long adventure walk in the woods. After a brief but stern lecture on the things he was not allowed to do (get dirty, wet, or run away) I let him off the lead and he ran off to explore. It took him around 3.5 seconds to discover the dirty, stinking, swampy stream running alongside the path. It took him a further 0.4 seconds to make the decision to wade right on in. Little fucker. I could tell he was planning a swim and he glanced back at me as if to say 'I know what you're going to say but I'm going to go in anyway. Don't hate me'. I knew he'd ignore me but I tried a last second 'NOOOOOOO!' but as expected it was in vain. He just plunged in to this disgusting pond that stank of sewage and looked like a mixture of shit, mud, petrol and rain water, as if he was going for a pleasant leisurely dip in the local pool. Aaah, how refreshing. I was a tad hysterical at that moment. A crazy power walker storming through the woods with two ski pole things looked at me disapprovingly when I cried, 'If you don't get out this instant I'm leaving you right here and you can live on the streets for the rest of your life!'. Eventually he clambered out and shook himself, as if that was enough to make him clean and dry and ready to continue with the walk. I started ranting at him, 'Oh my god you fucking idiot, you ungrateful dog, WHHHHY did you do this to me?!...' etc etc. He's an expert at playing deaf and he does this blank stare off into the distance thing whenever you're trying to communicate something that he's so not interested in hearing. So he did that, and then just as I reached over to put him back on the lead he decided he was having far too much fun and sprinted off into another swamp. Another swamp. After that I really did consider going home without him. He's more trouble than he's worth sometimes. But...he's also pretty cute, so I waited for him angrily and he eventually got out again, shook himself dry and looked up as if 'Let's get going then'. I dragged him back to the car, hoping he realised just how much he'd pissed me off. There were towels all nicely laid out on the back seat which he promptly kicked out of his way so he could wipe mud all over every available surface, ingraining his stench into the fabric forever. I turned my Mystery Jets album up really loud because music irritates him and I was in the mood to irritate him. In an attempt at winning me round he sat up on the back seat and rested his chin on the back of my seat. Clearly this was more than a bit cute, but also it meant that his dirty slabbery mouth left mud all over another surface. Maybe that was his plan all along.